1) Earn more,
2) Spend less, or
3) Earn more and spend less.
It’s so simple.
I wish I could blow your mind with a new tip, trick, or concept every day. Today, I’m just gonna advise you to spend less money.
However, there is a twist. I’m about to tell you exactly what you shouldn’t spend money on.
Based on a non-statistical sample of my own observations (surveys and science be damned), there are products you’ll almost certainly waste money on.
I’m betting you’ve shamefully hidden away at least one of these items in that dungeon you call a home.
1. Kids Battery Powered Vehicles
I’ve ONLY seen kids battery powered cars used on Christmas day. That’s the only time they see any action.
About five years ago, my brother delivered a $300, 200 pound Cadillac Escalade to his son for Christmas. After 30 minutes or so of sheer bliss, my nephew was done with the contraption and so was his dad…for good. With the help of a friend, my brother hauled the monstrosity to an uninhabited room in my mom’s house where it currently resides as an oversize laundry basket for old t-shirts.
2. Treadmills (and Other Expensive Exercise Equipment)
You have nothing against the treadmill, it’s the exercise that ticks you off.
The second I learn of a friend’s decision to buy an expensive piece of fitness equipment, I know the purchase is not going to end well. Why? Because I have zero confidence they’ll use it. Especially if they’ve led a sedentary lifestyle.
I’m sure a handful of people use their elliptical trainer religiously. But seriously, they’re the exception. Most of us end up with a hideous, unused eyesore in the middle of our living space.
3. Ice Cream Makers
The idea that you can whip up a delicious and cheap version of one of America’s favorite treats at a moment’s notice makes the ice cream maker irresistible. No longer do you need to rush off to grab ice cream when the craving strikes. You can “easily” make it yourself with a modestly priced, small kitchen appliance.
Unfortunately, you don’t fully appreciate the genius that is Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream until you learn you don’t have the 100 ingredients required to make it on hand.
It takes time – time you don’t have – to master the homemade version. Plus, cleaning an ice cream maker is a hassle, your kitchen is a complete mess, and all you have to show for it is a bowl of melty, sub par ice cream.
4. Easy Bake Ovens
Who says baking a batch of cookies using a light bulb is a terrible idea? Anyone who’s ever tried it and failed miserably that’s who.
Look. When you have a hankering for cookies, you want them right away. Although the Easy Bake Oven is a child’s toy, when it’s time for baked deliciousness you don’t have time to kid around. And interestingly enough, neither does your kid.
After a night parading around in a mini dress and 5-inch stilettos, the simple act of kicking your shoes off provides relief beyond imagination.
If you’re tired and stressed out, you need more than a small container to dip your feet in. You want a bath tub – something you can fill with steaming hot water and big dish detergent generated bubbles.
6. Electric Knives
Nothing takes the excitement out of a moist piece of fried turkey breast than the buzz of an electric knife.
I don’t know about you, but that noise makes my blood curdle.
You’ve waited all year for this. The ceremonial slicing of the turkey should be met with a moment of silence. When that bad boy is ready for eatin’, pass me the nearest steak knife so that I can get into it.
Oh, and since you haven’t used your electric knife all year, you’ll either have trouble finding it, or you’ll be too tired to pry it from under the Easy Bake Oven and foot bath that’s sitting on top of it.
7. Label Makers
We all dream of how peaceful our lives would be if we were more organized, but we want to take the easy way out.
Enter the label maker.
If only there was a way to clearly identify where things should go, organizing would be a breeze.
Unfortunately, masking tape and a Sharpie won’t do. No, no, no. We need a label maker.
Since organizing involves much more difficult work than making labels, we put off the non-fun, but absolutely necessary, part of organizing, i.e., purging.
Purging is the step where you pull out a bunch of crap from what might be a rat infested closet and dispose of what you don’t need.
Sadly, the real work involved in organizing is so painful we’d rather entertain ourselves with thoughts of “someday” getting organized and using our precious label makers.
We’re all adults here (I sure hope so).
I’ve been around long enough to know that, with the exception of protecting you against most STDs and illegitimate children, condoms are the worst.
But here’s the thing, the more times you have sex with a particular person, the greater the likelihood you two animals are prone to doing something stupid like not using a condom at all. Now, I’m not suggesting you expose yourself to every person you meet. All I’m sayin’ is, be realistic. You and your partner should get tested, commit to a monogamous relationship, and opt for a more reliable form of birth control – one of the hormonal persuasion.
Unless that sucker doubles as a vibrator (boy, I really do hope we’re all adults here) it’s practically useless.
From my experience, they cause your muscles, skin or both to itch like the dickens.
When my back is sore, I need the pressure and dexterity of human hands to dig in there and work the kinks out.
The handheld massagers are particularly worthless. Who derives relaxing satisfaction from massaging themselves? Don’t answer that.
Recently, a friend asked me if my Vita-Mix, a super awesome, high powered blender, could make soup? I told her that it could, and then I added “But why in the devil would you make soup with a blender?” Stoves and slow cookers have managed just fine all these years.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my blender. A few times a year, I’ll make margaritas with it.
The problem with blenders is that they’re a pain in the butt to clean.
If I wanted to spend a Friday evening getting hammered, it’s so much quicker and cleaner to do it over a glass or 3 of boxed wine. Personally, I like my spirits flowing from the spigot resembling that of a Gatorade 5-gallon cooler.
What other items have you seen people buy that are a hassle to use?