Like every personal finance blogger, there’s more to me than skin, bones, muscle, mucus, and money.
I’m a dynamic human being.
Over the years, I’ve tried to insert a little piece of me into every one of my writings, but You Have More Than You Think isn’t one of those hyper personal blogs where I discuss the day-to-day innards of my life.
Today, I’m gonna let my guard down and share some real stuff about me.
What I’m about to say may leave you shocked, offended, enamored. Hopefully, a tiny bit of each. However you feel, you will learn something about me you didn’t know before.
My Beauty, My Body, My Blackness
1. I can’t float. I’ve concluded this inability is because I’m black and water is racist.
2. My arms are freakishly long. My knuckles aren’t dragging the ground or anything, but I have the hardest time finding jackets that fit.
3. I’ve never had braces.
4. Despite the brilliance of my winning smile, I’ve had a cavity in practically every molar in my mouth.
5. I own the domain BlackNerdsDance.com. I’ve concluded the ability to catch a beat is genetic, and there are three black people in the world who can’t dance: Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, and my best friend, Tia Jones. It’s hard to watch them dance and frankly, kinda sad.
6. I used to wear burgundy hair extensions. Shut up. Bitch, I was fabulous.
7. When I was a kid, adults frequently mistook me for a boy. Granted, my hair was pretty short. But dammit, morons, didn’t you see the earrings?!
8. In the gym, I’m an 80 year old man in a 30 year old woman’s body. Meaning, I have no shame. I grunt, sing, dance, sweat profusely. All of that. When it’s time to workout, I don’t fuck around.
9. Although my inner thighs will hold onto fat until my rib cage is visible, I can develop six pack abs fairly easily.
10. I’m 5′ 9.5″ tall. I carry it well.
11. I LOVE watermelon. When I was a kid, my mom would cut a watermelon in half and place it in the fridge. In the middle of the night, I’d grab a fork and eat directly from the center of the watermelon without removing it from the refrigerator. In the morning, the previously immaculate watermelon was mutilated. Its seeds and guts were spilled all over the bottom of the fridge. What was my response to family members who also loved watermelon? “Deal with it.”
12. I have the nappiest hair on the planet.
13. I’m clinically gifted.
14. Sometimes I snort when I laugh.
15. I’m an eyeglass wearing, nosebleed having, fast acting inhaler using, mouth breather. If I wasn’t so sexy, I’d be a textbook geek.
16. I’m a whore for facts. I tend to have strong opinions. And I want them to be shaped by the truth – not someone’s biased interpretation of questionable information.
My Religion, My Politics
17. I’ve been told more than once, “I can’t believe you’re not an atheist.” I am not an atheist.
18. My fornicating parents lived in sin for a decade. At 11 years old, I gently persuaded them to get married…or burn in hell.
19. I think teaching creationism in public schools is a frickin’ joke. Don’t get me started on abstinence only education. Pfft.
20. Although fiscally conservative, you shouldn’t assume I’m also socially conservative. I think the government should mind their own damned business and so should Americans who aren’t directly impacted by the consensual choices of sane adults. Embryonic stem cell research, assisted suicide, abortion, prostitution, gay marriage, harm reduction, legalization of drugs, anyone? ANYONE?
21. The last fiction book I read was Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I tossed out the 6th book in the series after my mother convinced me the books are demonic.
22. My mom ironed my clothes until I graduated from high school. She’s pretty awesome.
23. My mother forced me to take piano lessons twice a week from the ages of 5 t0 10 years old. I hated it. When I asked her why I couldn’t play the guitar instead, she replied, “Because I always wanted to play the piano.” Why was I responsible for fulfilling her childhood dreams? Crazy lady.
24. I’d get a spanking if I didn’t perform well at piano lessons. No, it wasn’t child abuse. No, I’m not emotionally scarred.
25. My piano teacher was murdered when I was 10 years. It was devastating. I stopped playing the piano a year later. Ironically, to this day, I wish my mother had forced me to keep at it.
26. I started sleeping in my mom’s bed when I was 12 years old and slept there almost every night for a year. The sound of monsters growling in my bedroom walls triggered this strange decision. Mom says the sound came from rats chewing through the drywall. Oh, so, uh, that’s supposed to make it better? They sounded like monsters, mom!
27. I curse a lot when talking to my mother. I never curse at her.
28. While watching the Golden Girls, I heard the word “impotent” for the first time. I asked my mom what the word meant. Without hesitation, she said, “When a man thang can’t get hard.” I was 8 years old. Did I mention how totally awesome my mom is?
My Failures, Randomness
29. I got caught trying to steal one of my dad’s dirty magazines when I was about 6 years old. Porn, like money, does NOT belong under your mattress. I credit my father for that accidental nugget of wisdom.
30. I’ve been trying to make my booty clap since circa 1998. I don’t get it! I look like I’m having convulsions.
31. My family subscribed to the Disney channel back in the 80s when it was a premium service. Although I didn’t realize it then, I felt superior to my friends and extended family members because of this.
32. I’ve tried to become a vegan (for the animals) several times. Each time I’ve failed swiftly and miserably. The animals are too delicious.
33. My car is almost always a mess. I don’t offer people rides for this reason. When I’m in my vehicle, sometimes I feel like I’m, literally, sitting in a trash can.
34. I was arrested for underage drinking when I was 19 years old. The charges were later dropped.
35. Although my birth father and I lived in the same city throughout my entire childhood, we have no relationship whatsoever. I didn’t meet the guy until I was 10 years old. I’m cool with this.
36. My real dad, i.e., the guy who helped raise me, was 30 years older than my mother. He passed away when I was 13 years old. He was awesome.
37. I’ve never dated a guy with a tattoo. With gold teeth? Ummm.
38. I hate cottage cheese. The texture makes me want to puke. For some reason, fitness magazines and weight loss articles have been pushing this garbage since I can remember. Someone make them stop.
39. I can eat an entire pack of bacon in one sitting.
40. I thought Kurt Russell and Patrick Swayze were the same person for years.