Most people can’t wait to express their love to those closest to them by spending countless hours shopping for the perfect gift.
I refuse to participate in the madness.
When I was a little girl, Christmas sure was sweet. Now that I’m a crotchety, 30-year old, childless woman, it’s no fun anymore.
Here are 5 reasons why Christmas blows.
#1 People are mean
If I had a nickel for every time I stopped myself from punching a holiday shopper’s two front teeth out, I’d have a fanny pack full of nickels by now.
Christmas is the only time of year we collectively decide it’s okay to act like an idiot.
We’re supposed to be celebrating the birth of Baby Jesus for Christ’s sake!
Apparently, when you’re feverishly hunting for Christmas gifts, it’s okay to do any of the following:
- Unleash an unwarranted string of expletives onto a complete stranger
- Violently elbow your way through a predictably crowded mall at 5PM on Christmas Eve
- Wait until the last second to cut into the exit lane on a congested highway
- Leave an inch of space between you and the car in front of you to force the knucklehead referenced directly above to miss his exit
- Test your reaction speed by honking your car horn as soon as the traffic light turns green
- Borrow money from loved ones to buy stuff you can’t afford, then counter sue said love ones for harassment when they take you to small claims court for defaulting on the debt
#2 We’ve lost sight of what Christmas is about
Okay, ya got me.
An unholy, fornicating Jezebel like myself is in no position to judge anyone.
HOWEVER, let me say this. Unless the story changed within the last few thousand years, the Wise Men welcomed Baby Jesus into the world with gifts. It makes sense to me that we’d celebrate Christmas by giving gifts to the needy.
Besides allocating the bulk of our gift giving budget to the particularly non-needy, we do the exact opposite of what Jesus would do to celebrate his birthday. Like getting hammered at some seedy nightclub while wearing the sluttiest outfit he could find at T.J.Maxx on Christmas Eve.
Yeah, I don’t think Jesus would do that.
I’m done sticking up for this guy. He consistently over promises and under delivers.
One Christmas, I remember specifically telling my parents that I wanted Santa to bring me a Pogo Stick. I trust they delivered the message. Yet when I awoke on Christmas morning that year, there was some sort of mix up, and my sister ended up with the Pogo Stick. (Is it just me, or do Pogo Sticks look like giant IUDs?)
And that wasn’t the only occasion he screwed up.
If you see Santa, remind his fat ass that he owes me 16 pairs of British Knights from circa 1987.
#4 Christmas overshadows Thanksgiving
Besides being followed by the annihilation of millions of Native Americans, Thanksgiving is pretty awesome.
But after Halloween, it’s not mentioned half as much as the nation’s second most popular holiday, Black Friday. We’re too busy getting all lubed up and prepped for Christmas to give thanks.
Since you probably won’t be asked this question within the next week or so, let me ask. What are you thankful for?
I’m thankful for Amazon.
Look. I know yams don’t have anything to do with money, but they do fall under the umbrella of things I hate about Christmas.
They’re never good. I don’t get the appeal. I just don’t get it.
If you’re a fan of yams, may I ask, what is wrong with you?!
What do you hate about Christmas?