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The Honey Badger’s Guide to Financial Domination

by Shawanda Greene

Honey Badger: Keep Calm and Don't Care

Reader/viewer discretion is advised. The following blog post contains strong language that may not be suitable for youngsters or people who’re offended by cuss words.

People have different ways of dealing with adversity.

Some plaster their work space with reassuring Biblical verses.

Others try to erase painful memories by abusing drugs.

And still there are some who cover their ears, close their eyes, and pretend their problems will work themselves out.

Me? I stare at a picture of a honey badger.

If you learn nothing else about the honey badger, know that The Guinness Book of World Records crowned it the most fearless animal on the planet.

Many days, I feel like a honey badger.

Am I fearless? No.

I’m a mouthbreathing asthmatic who wet the bed until she graduated high school and cried nonstop for 30 minutes after watching The Notebook.

I’m hardly fearless.

However, the honey badger and I do have a few things in common.

We both eat larvae and smack the shit outta snakes.

If you haven’t already, watch The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger. You must in order to fully appreciate what I’m about to say.

But in case you’re short on time, below is a condensed version of the narrator’s description of what happens when the honey badger wants bee larvae for dinner.

Here’s a house full of bees. You think the honey badger cares? It doesn’t give a shit. It goes right into the house of bees to get some larvae. It doesn’t care about being stung by bees. Nothing can stop the honey badger when it’s hungry.

When it comes to dominating your finances, borrow a page from the honey badger playbook.

Think of the larvae as your financial goal. The bees are the minor inconveniences that annoy the bejeezus out of you along the way.

For example, you’ve committed to paying off your student loans within the next two years.

During that time, you give up certain luxuries you’re used to. You take staycations, shop at Forever 21, cook your own meals, and ride the Megabus through multiple states with commoners who talk on their cell phones at full volume in Hindi until their battery dies.

You do what it takes.

Surely, a well adjusted, mature adult like yourself can successfully navigate through a few bees.

You’re gonna pay that student loan off even if you’re attacked.

Even if you have to make sacrifices.

Even if you’re super distracted because bees are repeatedly stinging you in the face!

A lesser individual would give up, but not you. Uh uh.

Why?

Because, fuck bees. That’s why.

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I wish your path to getting out of debt, saving for retirement, sending your kids to college, and whatnot was paved exclusively with angry bees.

But, it’s not.

There are cobras too.

Here comes a fierce battle between a King Cobra and the honey badger. There’s the honey badger just eating a mouse.

And then look. “Get away from me,” says the snake. “Get away from me!” Honey badger smacks the shit out of it. And the snake comes back and it lashes right at the honey badger.

Oh! Little does the honey badger know, it’s been bitten by the snake. So while it’s eating the snake…Ew! That’s disgusting. Meanwhile, the poisononous venom is seeping through the honey badger’s body, and it passes out.

Now the honey badger is just gonna pass out for a few minutes and then it’s gonna get right back up and start eating again because it’s a hungry little bastard.

Look at this. Like nothing happened! 

Do you know what my first reaction was when I saw the honey badger roll over on his back and pass out after being bit by the snake?

It was something like, “Wow! Look at the balls on that one!”

As humans, heck, living creatures, our journey is rarely linear.

Sometimes external forces slow us down. They knock us out. They might kill us.

Cobras, clearly, are more powerful diversions than bees. They’re divorces and unexpected pregnancies and joblessness and medical setbacks.

The question is, do you have the cojones to stand up and keep eating after smacking the shit out of a snake, getting bit, and temporarily passing the fuck out?

I understand life is rough at times. In all its fearlessness, even the honey badger is a tasty meal for lions.

But before you start with the excuses, we’re not up against lions.

We’re effeminately fanning bees out of our face and back handing cobras. So let’s not exaggerate things.

The honey badger embodies so much of what I believe in – so much of what I wish I could be.

Given my affinity for the honey badger, I was thinking of making him the national symbol of You Have More Than You Think. 

I even went a step farther and picked out a national anthem.

It’s message is most powerful when played in the presence of inferior creatures who are content with sitting on the sidelines while honey badgers, like ourselves, break in to the bees nest and take what we want.

Click link to hear the draft national anthem.

This blog post was featured in the Carnival of Wealth, Valentine’s Day Edition at Control Your Cash.

Photo Credit: RedBubble

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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Shaquetta February 7, 2012 at 2:54 PM

LOL @ ride the Megabus through multiple states with commoners who talk on their cell phones at full volume in Hindi until their battery dies.

That's me.

Reply

Shawanda February 8, 2012 at 4:52 PM

Oh, that drives me crazy when someone is just yammering away like they're the only person on the bus. Some of us would like to enjoy a movie, read a book, etc. Although, I can't say with absolute certainty I've never aggravated a complete stranger with a loud cell phone conversation.

Matter of fact, years ago, an old man cussed me out for talking on my cell phone in Barnes & Noble. So there ya go. I still maintain that I wasn't talking that loud.

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Anree February 7, 2012 at 6:26 PM

Honey badger don’t care!!! You think he cares?! Honey badger don’t care! I love this post. This is the new “gazelle intense”, for those of us with a little more hunger in our belly. Keep it up Shawanda!

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Shawanda February 8, 2012 at 4:55 PM

Ha! Honey badger intensity. I wonder if Dave Ramsey would mind if we modified it. Instead of running, the honey badger goes in and takes what it wants. :)

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cashflowmantra February 8, 2012 at 10:49 AM

That's what I'm talking about…gotta love the honey badger!

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Shawanda February 8, 2012 at 4:58 PM

Isn't he great?! Who knew a murderous little weasel could be so inspirational?

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JWalton February 8, 2012 at 12:10 PM

When I saw the title of this post, I started to laugh because I knew where you were going. I ABSOLUTELY agree with the Honey Badger reference. You really have to be fearless to conquer your debt and not give a #@$ what anyone has to say about it.

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Shawanda February 8, 2012 at 5:03 PM

I'm assuming you've seen the video. While I was writing this post, I wanted to address the honey badger's reaction to the animals who'd "pick up the scrapsss" after he finished eating. There are people like that who wait around for you to do all the work so they can swoop in and consume the leftovers. I HATE that. Maybe it also gets under the honey badger's tough skin a little bit, but he doesn't let them bother him. After all, at least he's not eating scraps.

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JWalton February 9, 2012 at 11:00 AM

Those hanging around to pick up the scraps are typically the ones talking about you and criticizing your efforts, until they see the victory. The honey badger could care less and is on to the next one.

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Jillian February 10, 2012 at 7:20 PM

AMAZING! Now I'll think, "Fuck bees", everytime I click "Make Payment" on my Student Loan!

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Shawanda February 23, 2012 at 6:05 PM

Ha! That's the attitude. :)

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Nishanth February 14, 2012 at 12:24 PM

I agree with the content of the post , but do all Hindi-speakers display such obnoxious behavior?

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Shawanda February 23, 2012 at 6:08 PM

Of course not. But I find any foreign language spoken at loud volumes to be more offensive to my ears than English. It just sounds like gibberish to me.

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Zenzi June 11, 2012 at 11:41 AM

Brilliant comparison!!! Fuck the bees and thAt cobra can defintely kiss my royal ass!

I’m hungry, dammit!

Reply

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