Ah, the holiday season is upon us.
Most people can’t wait to express their love to those closest to them by spending countless hours shopping for the perfect gift.
I refuse to participate in the madness.
When I was a little girl, Christmas sure was sweet. Now that I’m a crotchety, 30-year old, childless woman, it’s no fun anymore.
Here are 5 reasons why Christmas blows.
#1 People are mean
If I had a nickel for every time I stopped myself from punching a holiday shopper’s two front teeth out, I’d have a fanny pack full of nickels by now.
Christmas is the only time of year we collectively decide it’s okay to act like an idiot.
We’re supposed to be celebrating the birth of Baby Jesus for Christ’s sake!
Apparently, when you’re feverishly hunting for Christmas gifts, it’s okay to do any of the following:
- Unleash an unwarranted string of expletives onto a complete stranger
- Violently elbow your way through a predictably crowded mall at 5PM on Christmas Eve
- Wait until the last second to cut into the exit lane on a congested highway
- Leave an inch of space between you and the car in front of you to force the knucklehead referenced directly above to miss his exit
- Test your reaction speed by honking your car horn as soon as the traffic light turns green
- Borrow money from loved ones to buy stuff you can’t afford, then counter sue said love ones for harassment when they take you to small claims court for defaulting on the debt
#2 We’ve lost sight of what Christmas is about
Okay, ya got me.
An unholy, fornicating Jezebel like myself is in no position to judge anyone.
HOWEVER, let me say this. Unless the story changed within the last few thousand years, the Wise Men welcomed Baby Jesus into the world with gifts. It makes sense to me that we’d celebrate Christmas by giving gifts to the needy.
Besides allocating the bulk of our gift giving budget to the particularly non-needy, we do the exact opposite of what Jesus would do to celebrate his birthday. Like getting hammered at some seedy nightclub while wearing the sluttiest outfit he could find at T.J.Maxx on Christmas Eve.
Yeah, I don’t think Jesus would do that.
#3 Santa
I’m done sticking up for this guy. He consistently over promises and under delivers.
One Christmas, I remember specifically telling my parents that I wanted Santa to bring me a Pogo Stick. I trust they delivered the message. Yet when I awoke on Christmas morning that year, there was some sort of mix up, and my sister ended up with the Pogo Stick. (Is it just me, or do Pogo Sticks look like giant IUDs?)
And that wasn’t the only occasion he screwed up.
If you see Santa, remind his fat ass that he owes me 16 pairs of British Knights from circa 1987.
#4 Christmas overshadows Thanksgiving
Besides being followed by the annihilation of millions of Native Americans, Thanksgiving is pretty awesome.
But after Halloween, it’s not mentioned half as much as the nation’s second most popular holiday, Black Friday. We’re too busy getting all lubed up and prepped for Christmas to give thanks.
Since you probably won’t be asked this question within the next week or so, let me ask. What are you thankful for?
I’m thankful for Amazon.
#5 Yams
Look. I know yams don’t have anything to do with money, but they do fall under the umbrella of things I hate about Christmas.
They’re never good. I don’t get the appeal. I just don’t get it.
If you’re a fan of yams, may I ask, what is wrong with you?!
What do you hate about Christmas?
|
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
Shawanda, a roasted yam with butter is heaven on a plate! Or chop it into big chunks, toss with other root vegetables, drizzle with olive oil and add some garlic cloves, a sprig of rosemary, and maybe a few slices of lemon and roast for 45 minutes or so. Yum.
Otherwise, I'm with ya on Christmas (though I do enjoy the pagan displays of trees and lights). The visual of Jesus in a nightclub is. . .priceless.
–Pamela (another fornicating Jezebel)
Puke! Yams are so nasty. But thanks for the recipe.
I like Christmas decorations too. While most people looked forward to Black Friday, my mom and I were all about the day after Christmas when we could buy deeply discounted decorations for the following year. I also like buying fully functional paper towels and paper plates with holiday decorations on them for cheap.
Totally agree on number 2! Well said… Christmas turns into hyper-consumerism for most.
So much so my Hindu and Atheist friends give and receive "Christmas" gifts. If there ever was proof a holiday was completely commercialized….
Fantastic list. I can't stand those dollar limit gift swaps that the family or work tends to come up with every year. If we're planning on spending $50 on a gift and getting another (lamer) $50 gift in return why bother. I can spend the money on myself and be much happier with my choice.
Thanks! My office is doing a gift swap or something this year. I'm so disgusted I can't stand to even read the emails. I won't be participating.
You ask what I hate about Christmas. First, terrible traditional food I have to eat (because of my grandmother). Second, people are waiting for some kind of a ideal christmas (white christmas and so on). Normally Christmas is quite hard times in families because of great expectations. Third, I hate… hmm…actually I like Christmas.
Christmas isn't all awful. I like spending time with my mom's dogs, my brother, and my niece and nephews. I also like watching the TBS marathon of A Christmas Story. That never gets old.
crochety + fornicating jezebel + giant IUD = you are hilarious, lol
Thank you. I was hoping someone would appreciate that.
Crotchety at 30? Cranky and Cantankerous aren't too far away, then. I think I'll have to stick up for roasted sweet potatoes, with olive oil, kosher salt, ground pepper and fresh rosemary.
But agree on the rest, especially the point about Santa. He's had his mail room all jacked up for years. Some kid in Scandinavia wound up of my cool presents, and I got stuck with his goofy reindeer sweaters.
LOL! You nailed it. My next post opened with "This blog post was begrudgingly written by Shawanda Greene – a cantankerous, Comcast customer…."
I never understood why anyone would ask or why Santa would voluntarily provide a Christmas sweater on Christmas!
Interesting post. Most of the things you talk about are because of what people have done to Christmas. I love Christmas. I see people who are happier and who share and help others in need. I enjoy spending time with family and friends and love to listen to Christmas music. Regardless of what the retailers around us have done, I still see Christmas for what it truly is and I love it.
I hate that I am not in a better position to help my young nephew play Santa every Christmas to his young children. His pay goes to child support so there's never much left for four kids under 8. Kids only have one childhood. I guess that's why I have come to hate Christmas. The $5 I put in the envelope every week all year will have to go mostly for warm clothes and new coats. My sister passed so I'm grandma now.
That is a reason to hate Christmas. On the bright side, your nephew is fortunate in that he has an aunt who's willing to sacrifice in order to help provide for his children. If your nephew is open to the idea, there are quite a few charities who're willing to donate brand new Christmas gifts to low income families. I found an article on ehow that may be helpful. It doesn't provide specific charities but it does provide a good guideline.
http://www.ehow.com/how_4582124_christmas-help-lo…
That is a reason to hate Christmas. On the bright side, your nephew is fortunate in that he has an aunt who's willing to sacrifice in order to help provide for his children. If your nephew is open to the idea, there are quite a few charities who're willing to donate brand new Christmas gifts to low income families. I found an article on ehow that may be helpful. It doesn't provide specific charities but it does provide a good guideline.
http://www.ehow.com/how_4582124_christmas-help-lo…
This post made me laugh more than a few times! I definitely agree about a lot of these, especially losing sight of what the holiday is actually about and people being mean. The mixture of crowded stores and malls with people spending money they don’t have to buy things for others makes people majorly grouchy! Christmas was WAY better as a kid when it was magical and stress-free.
Kelly@FinancialFixers recently posted..7 Ways to Prepare Your Home for the Winter Months
Hey…err…Jezebel.
Hah, great post, made me laugh a few times, I guess I’ll start calling my wife by the Fornicating Jezebel nickname as well.
How do you feel about eggnog though? Am I the only one who hates it like hell?
{ 2 trackbacks }