I don’t wanna sound blasphemous, but I hate weddings. They’re such an elaborate waste of money, I just can’t stand them.
According to CNNMoney.com, the average wedding cost $21,814 in 2008 down from $27,490 in 2007.
You got $22,000 burning a hole in your bank account, then buy me a high quality diamond. Something I can look at and admire on a daily basis. I want women whose weddings cost tens of thousands of dollars to be so daggum jealous of me, they [fill in something debilitatingly clever here].
Now, don’t get mad. I wouldn’t judge you for spending ridiculous sums of money on your wedding. I’d only judge you if you spent someone else’s money (e.g. American Express, your indigent mother) on your ridiculous wedding.
A while back, my best friend really ticked me off when she announced she was getting married to her on again off again boyfriend and wanted me to be her maid of honor. I don’t really get involved in people’s business, so it wasn’t the groom that bugged me. It was their rocky relationship. The problem was that she asked me to incur non-refundable expenses for an event that was unlikely to occur.
I realized I’d gotten off easy when a friend told me she couldn’t go with me to Ireland, because she couldn’t afford it due to a wedding she’d committed to. Both her and her son will be in the wedding.
Here’s the rundown.
Are you essing me?!
Over $2,200 for somebody else’s stuff!
It’s not fair!
Most people aren’t like me. You might really enjoy attending weddings or being in them. Plus, you may not want to completely disappoint your loved ones by selfishly refusing to participate in costly activities that are important to them.
If you care for the person who asked you to either attend or participate in their wedding, and you’re loaded, then it’s perfectly okay to be a part of their big day/week.
If that’s not the case, here’s what I suggest. Instead of responding with, “Ain’t nobody got no money!” when you’re asked to be a member of the wedding party, stay calm.
Try this four step process for dealing with the situation.
Step 1
Understand your friend may be a bit jaded when it comes to the expenses you’ll incur. She is spending $22,000 on a wedding after all. Your $2,250 represents mere pennies in her eyes.
Step 2
Find out how much the event will cost you. Use the budget above as a starting point. To share in this glorious occasion, you might have to sell something or take on a second job or push off motherhood for another year or take a semester off college. But it’s best to know this upfront.
Step 3
If you find you simply can’t afford what your friend is asking of you, then tell her. Perhaps she’ll be open to reconsidering her wedding budget. Presumably, you’re a close friend if you’re asked to be in a wedding.
Step 4
There’s nothing wrong with saying no if you don’t have the money. Under no circumstances do I advocate going into debt to be a part of a friend’s wedding. She should understand that you function in a world of limited resources. If she can’t comprehend that, then it’s fine to go back to the preamble to Step 1:
“Ain’t nobody got no money!”
This article was featured in the Carnival of Personal Finance #245 – “Dollar Doodles” edition at Budgets are Sexy.
Has a friend ever asked you to participate in an event that you either couldn’t afford or just didn’t want to spend the money on?
Photo credit – Sugarbloom Cupcakes
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{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }
Fortunately, most of my friends haven't had expensive weddings. I think the one that cost us the most was the commitment ceremony of two very good friends. We drove to Indiana (though we got to see some friends on the way & spent all but two nights there) and spent a night in a hotel. The gas cost us the most. The hotel was less than $60/night. Then there was food. I took vacation, but because we were visiting our friends too we treated it as a vacation. It cost less than $400 except for the vacation time, so it wasn't bad.
Still, the whole drive, the cost, the time, etc, we wouldn't have spent on any but our closest friends. The most I've spent other than that was $300 on another very close friend's wedding–bridesmaid expenses. I also made her wedding dress for her, though she bought the materials.
I think your suggestions are sensible. I love celebrating friends' weddings. Fortunately cost hasn't yet been a deterrent. Most of my friends are either sensible or poor.
One of my close friends got married a few years ago. My plane ticket was the most expensive thing. She had a beautiful, budget friendly wedding in Savannah, GA. My friend even let her bridesmaids pick out their dresses. She just told us the color. I didn't mind being in her wedding. We go way back and it didn't cost much to be in her wedding.
That, and we were both close to 40, so, well . . . but the last thing we wanted to do was create some sense of obligation for our friends and families – so we didn't.
I've never been to a wedding and only attended two in my life, but I dont think I would ever pay that much for someone else's wedding. I hardly want to spend that much for my own wedding. LOL
I'd spend that much money on a wedding for my currently non-existent son or daughter. I'd probably spend a bit more than a couple thousand dollars, but by then I'm thinking, God willing, I'll be a much wealthier person than I am now. Anybody else ask me and they're getting the side eye.
My husband and I were married a few years ago – and we opted to "elope" – I have a friend from college who's now a town judge, so we spent the weekend with her, she married us at sunrise (awwww. . . . ) with her husband and my son as witnesses. The most expensive part of the whole wedding was the vintage champagne!
But I guess it was easier for us – it was the second time for me, and him, well, he's a guy. That, and we were both close to 40, so, well . . . but the last thing we wanted to do was create some sense of obligation for our friends and families – so we didn't.
You just made me think of something that may shed some light on why I think weddings are so unimportant. My mom and dad woke up one morning and told us kids they were going to Georgia to get married. I remember how uneventful the whole thing was. They'd been together, unwed, for 10 years and I'd been nagging them about getting married because they were living in sin. Somehow I stumbled upon a Watchtower book that shared this information with me. As a child, I was so happy my parents wouldn't go to hell because of their iniquities. That was enough for me. To this day, they are the happiest, most stable couple I've ever known.
The cupcake is gorgeous. Good Post! You know I love parties and weddings. My sister got married in November, and she tried to be sensible. She let the bridesmaids pick their own dresses, her friends from out of town stayed with my mom (or she found reasonable accomodations).
I would suggest that your friend be creative with her expenses.
- Split costs of hotel room with another bridesmaid or beg a friend for their hilton honors points
- Find a lesser priced tux for the kid. (I bought a suit for my sister’s wedding for 35 bucks at sears)
-and maybe even reduce what she is willing to spend for the party and/or wedding gifts.
I think she can cut her budget, and she will (or go into debt) if she really loves her friend.
Good tips. I think there are other ways to show your love besides going into debt. I do believe love is sacrifice, so to avoid going into debt, I'd suggest cutting out other things (or sacrificing your time, possessions, etc.) to pay for the expense of attending a friend's wedding. It's my personal belief that extenuating circumstances may justify going into debt such as a medical illness. Going into debt to witness a marriage that has a 50% chance of lasting isn't one of them. I'm just being practical.
I spent about $700 to be a bridesmaid for my best friend's wedding. That didn't include travel or accommodations since she got married where we grew up so I was going to stay with my parents. She broke it off 2 weeks before the wedding so all the money went down the drain. She did give us each $200 back, but that's still a loss of $500 I could have used for other things. Luckily she called it off before we spent another $1000 between us on the bachelorette party.
I hate it when that happens. I'm glad you didn't lose more money than you did. The friend I reference in the post ended up not getting married. Fortunately, the manager at David's Bridal had called off a wedding herself, and felt bad for me so she refunded me the money. I remember my friend kept asking me when I was going to book my flight. There was no way I'd book a flight well in advance of that wedding.
Ouch, this hurt. My husband and I spent money we did not have to fly to Maui, spend money on room food, etc. for a wedding of a family member. We felt "obligated", anyhoo, 2 years later they divorced and we were still poor from the trip. Sadly we learned our lesson…a little late but we did learn it. PS I love the cupcake!
Doesn't that cupcake look delicious? I almost wanna take a cake decorating class.
Maui sounds fun. Some people don't even have the decency to have their wedding anywhere cool and you still have to pay a bunch of money to be a part of it.
I'm 99% sure the first thing I would've thought of when I heard news of the divorce would be the money I spent to attend the union. I know it sounds awful, but I was in a similar situation and that's exactly what I thought.
I haven't been asked to participate in something I couldn't afford, but I just want to say AMEN. Thank you for this article.
You're fortunate. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog post.!
An older friend of mine took out a loan to pay for her daughter's wedding. I couldn't believe it. It's just a day with a party, when you get right down to it – it's the reception that costs the most. Stay married for 20 + years, THEN spend 20 grand on a big party!
Now Suzanne, you've gone and made me mad just by sharing that information.
It really bothers me when children are so selfish they let their parents go into debt for something they should pay for. They have way more working years left in them than their parents. It really disgusts me.
All great ideas — Just a quick tip, you can also buy lot's of great wedding items online and save money. Check out RecycledBride.com at http://www.recycledbride.com/
Thanks for the helpful resource! I mean, it's only one day right?
All I have to say is: "Ain't nobody got no money." Gal, this post had me laughing out loud. I think it's just rude of someone to expect that. If they're that rich (the bride and groom), why didn't they pay for the airfare, etc.? That's just ludicrous! Thanks for the great post!
I stole that line from a friend. I thought it was perfect.
I am getting married next year and I totally agree… Were planning to do our wedding on the beach, and the event will cost us around 6000$ (Cuba si!). We are not ASKING people to come. But some close friend, if THEY CAN, are warmly welcome… but we told everyone that we will fully understand that not everyone can afford this kind of trip (1300$ all included… except clothing for the wedding ).
So, on the other hand, we decided to do a brunch when we get back, to share memories with our very larges families, and the activity will be much less expensive than a traditionnal wedding dinner.
If I had 20 000$, I would have pay plane tickets to my close friends and family, but I don't have 20 000$. I know that it is not traditionnal at all… but after all, we're getting married after 8 years of love, and two children (they will be 7 and 3 years old next spring). And we do it for ourselves, to indulge a great trip as a family (which we never did), and to say each other our love
Selfish? Maybe. But the question is «for whom you marry?» Is it for others, the image that you will show? Or is it for yourselves, because you truly love each other. I choose reason no 2.
Congratulations!!! It's great for family and friends to be able to attend your wedding, but when it all boils down to it, there are only two people in the marriage. I think it's very thoughtful of you to extend an "if you can make it" invitation. Sometimes people just don't have the money. You also haven't completely cut your family off from celebrating the union between you and your husband. The brunch is a creative, more economical solution to what can be a very expensive event.
My husband and I did a destination wedding in Maui in 2007 because I have a massive family and I wanted a house instead of wedding debt. I went through a wholesale travel agent who specialized in group travel (destinationweddings.com) and got entire travel packages for our guests in a wide range of prices. The packages included round-trip airfare, one week at a 4-star resort, a week rental car, and a welcome package with coupons to tours, luaus and drinks. Our packages ranged from $650 per person to $1500 per person. We also arranged for a payment plan spread over 6 months for our guests.
My sister and sister-in-law were my maid and matrons of honor. I picked the dress color and they could choose any style they wanted from Alfred Angelo. My sister told me she paid less than $125 for the separates she picked out. I paid for their jewelry which I gave to them at the rehearsal dinner. I also arranged for a make-up artist to do their make-up while my sister and I did my mom and mother-in-law's hair. For my bachelorette party, I paid for the hotel room while my sister, in-laws and cousins all pitched in for the "entertainment". I even went to Costco and purchased liquor for the party to save on paying Vegas prices. I made it clear that no one should go broke for my wedding.
My husband and I spent $12,000 for everything which included a beautiful ceremony on a brand new golf course and a reception with an open bar, three different types of appetizers and guests had a choice of beef or chicken for their meal. We had 30 guests (more than half of them from the UK) and most of them raved about how nice it was to be able to have a nice vacation along with attending our wedding.
I think people can have a low-cost elegant affair if they tried. For example, at the restaurant where we had the reception, I used their fake flowers for centerpieces instead of paying hundreds of dollars for real stuff. My mom worked for Wal-Mart and got us the wedding favors for less than .50 per person. Instead of wedding gifts (though we did receive several), I used my family's Filipino tradition of asking guests to pay for things for the wedding. I only asked this of people who couldn't come to Maui. I did my own invitations, assembled my own favors, took the wedding party to dinner at a local Hawaiian restaurant that charges about $7 per person (we spent less than $125 for a party of 10).
I think because my husband and I were more focused on saving for a house, we had to keep the wedding under budget which I think my guests and wedding party really appreciated in the end.
Thanks for sharing so many creative ways to cut wedding costs. I think once people get started spending, they get carried away.
I'm glad you brought up the importance of saving for a house. Not only can debt and money problems put a strain on a marriage, but they make it more difficult to afford a home if you want to buy one or if you already own one.
I recently had to a have a talk with my sister who is getting married in July ( where I am the maid of Honor) and the other bridesmaids. I honestly told them what I could afford and the fact that I am not willing to go into debt for the wedding. It is still going to cost me AT LEAST $700 when all's said and done! (Bridal Shower, Bridal shower gift, Bachelorette Party, Flower Girl dresses, ring bearer tux, bridesmaid's dress, wedding gift…) STOP THE MADNESS!
I think those planning a wedding should sit down and attempt a detailed budget of what they're asking their loved ones to pay for. I know a lot of people may not talk openly about their finances, but close family members and friends should be able to determine what's reasonable based on your profession, family situation and lifestyle.
I'm just happy you were able to be honest and firm with your sister. Some people feel obligated to stretch themselves to the point it's detrimental to their own financial well being.
This really hit home and very hard. 25 years ago I declined being MofH for my HS best friend. At the time I lived 1000 miles away, had an infant and my parents were about to move to Florida. I was visiting my childhood home when she asked me to be in the wedding. I thought about it for a couple of days and we went out to lunch. She was full of plans on how I was going to have to make a trip back to help her with plans and dresses. It broke my heart to tell her No. I just could not afford it. No one offered even to put me up for the wedding several of our friends were going to be in it. It was going to be at least $1500. She flew into a rage and told me how selfish I was. Hubby and I sent a really nice gift. She never spoke to me again. All these years later it still breaks my heart I had to say no. I do know it was the right thing to do.
Your ex-friend sounds like the selfish one. When is enough enough?
Do you miss a house payment?
Let your utilities get turned off?
If you're a SAHM, do you take a job outside the home, away from your child(ren), to pay to be in a friend's wedding?
Maybe you should deplete your savings, so you're desperate and penniless in the event of an emergency.
Exactly what do people expect you to give up to participate in their dreams?!!!
I say, if they want you to be in their wedding that bad, they should either pay for it or make it affordable for their loved ones to be a part of it.
All this fuss is why I don't even want to have one myself.
I've written about it before, but the most expensive wedding we attended was for that of the SO's old friend, not my own, when we flew from the West Coast to the East Coast for a weekend.
Post my BFF's wedding for which I served as bridesmaid doing all the MOH's work, throwing the bach'ette party, etc., I decided that I'm not participating in any more weddings, period. I've probably been involved in more than half a dozen over the years, and while I haven't had to bear the costs alone every single time, they were all around a troubling budget time. Forget about just attending weddings and the associated costs!
We're having a very small wedding in about a month. We're not having bridesmaids or groomsmen, and my nephew (the ringbearer) is wearing a $40 suit that they'll sell on Ebay after the wedding. My niece is wearing an $8 flower girl dress. We've tried really hard to explain to people that we really do not need or want gifts. We're not doing bachelor/bachelorette parties, showers, or a rehearsal dinner, and we're paying for almost everything ourselves.
On the other hand, EVERY out of state guest we invited has decided to come. While we feel incredibly blessed that they want to be a part of our wedding, we also feel guilty that they're spending so much money to travel here to be with us. We wish we could afford to defer some of the cost. We really didn't expect so many to be able to attend.
It doesn't sound like you're having an extravagant affair at all. Hopefully, no one is putting themselves in a financial bind, but I really do believe it's a blessing your loved ones are able to attend. Some people profess how important it is for their family members and friends to be a part of their big day, but they make it very difficult for those they care for so much to participate due to their unreasonable financial demands.
a nice cheap wedding can be lots of fun. i remember seeing Joys wedding on My Name is Earl and it looked like a blast. they had a good time and thats all that matters.
to this day I dont speak to my brother because he knew I was broke when he got married and I had 2 19 year old pups, 1 17 year old pup and a 3 year old pup. He had his wedding 4 hours (1 way) from my house (same city him and her live in too) and then afterward mocked us (to everyone else) for what we wore (our nicest clothes and we looked better then everyone else I think) and I still was able to give them a nice gift. and we drove there and back that day since we couldnt do a hotel room. I never recd a thank you from them.
You drove 8 hours in 1 day?! Gift? Your brother should've been grateful you even graced him with your presence.
On a more serious note…I obviously have no clue what kind of relationship you have with your brother, but I sincerely hope you're able to reconcile things with him.
I think the easiest way to get out of weddings is to be pro-active. I always told my friends that I found weddings boring, a hassle etc… When it was their time to marry, they did not ask me (although 2 made sure that I really didn't want to be a part of it). If they are really close friends or family, they know that I don't enjoy the fuss of weddings. If they don't know that and ask me, I'm not really close enough to that person anyway.
Of course you can only get away with this if you're truthful. I eloped so my friends know that I mean every word I say!
I'm glad you mentioned this technique. I've used this same strategy to sit out Christmas gift giving each year. The family members and friends already know my position on these things, so I'm usually spared.
Great post! As somjeone who periodically wonders what being a bridesmaid may cost if my firends get married, it's good to know.
I was asked to be in a wedding and agreed. I bought my dress and the bride called the wedding off 9 weeks before the intended wedding day. I was stuck with the dress.
Loved the post.
Yes, yes, yes! I hate weddings and the whole wedding industry. When my now-husband and I got engaged, I had my heart set on a courthouse wedding. Unfortunately, my now-husband is an only child…and his mom really wanted us to have a wedding. So we did. However, his parents absorbed almost all of the costs because we were having a wedding on their behalf–we were NOT willing to go into debt for a wedding we didn't really want, so they happily paid. We spent our money on a big fancy honeymoon instead. As far as our friends were concerned, I don't think any of them had to spend much money on our wedding. All the wedding party was responsible for was clothing, and we tried to be budget-minded with it (also, I let my bridesmaids pick out their own dresses so they wouldn't end up with something they hated). We did have many guests who had traveled to be there, but my husband had traveled to their weddings, so it seemed like a trade-off.
However, I'm terrified of being asked to be in someone's wedding…I don't want to spend money on that! Hypocritical? Yes, a little. But I also know that most brides aren't nearly as budget conscious as I was. I have a friend who cheated on her fiance and called off the wedding less than a month before the date. All I can say is that I'm glad I wasn't a bridesmaid stuck with an ugly expensive dress.
My husband and I got married at the courthouse for $50 many years ago. We used the money we saved for the down payment of a house. Few years later, my sister decided to have a destination wedding. I felt obligated to go since she's my only sister. We (husband, 2 kids, and I) paid for plane tickets, several nights on the island, gifts, dress, cute clothes for the kids, etc. which came out to more than $3000!!!
You probably could've had a small wedding ceremony for $3K, but hopefully, your family was able to have a little bit of a vacation at your sister's wedding.
I asked a friend to be in my weeding, and felt obligated to say yes when she then asked me to be in hers. I felt hypocritical to say no at the time, but I know better now. I encouraged my bridesmaids to buy their dresses on ebay, like I had done for my own dress. I happen to know that my friend snagged her bridesmaid dress for $17. Other than a gift, she only had to show up. For her wedding, it was an out of town affair, with brand new speical order dresses, speical order shoes, etc etc etc. I spent over $1,100 on her wedding! She spent $17 on mine, and I spent $1,100 on hers. I know now that I should have said no way and not felt in the least bit bad about it.
Great post on a topic I've thought a lot about in the past year as three of my friends got married all last year. In two weddings I was a part of, I spent over a grand for each wedding as I am based on the east coast and most of my friends live in Cali. I just feel jaded when I think of how that money could have funded 40% of my Roth IRA contribution for the year! Even for weddings that I'm not a part of, I always have to factor in airfare and that always adds anywhere from $200-$500 on to my expenses depending on what time of year the wedding takes place. It makes me want to be evil and have a destination wedding in a really remote locale once my turn comes, but I can't do that to my family.
"It makes me want to be evil and have a destination wedding in a really remote locale once my turn comes.."
I couldn't help but crack up when I read that line.
I've flown to a friend's wedding when I had very little money and I didn't mind one bit. Of course, she made it clear that although she would love to have me there she certainly didn't expect it. She also made it clear that my presence was my present. My brother-in-law is having a destination wedding this Christmas and we don't mind splurging because we'll turn it into a long awaited vacation and he asked first if we could afford it and would be able to come. I don't mind spending money to go to a good friend's wedding if they appreciate and acknowledge what a gift it is to have friends and relatives come.
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I want to know where they are getting this average number. I don't know ANYONE who has spent close to this (and I've been to over 10 weddings in the last few years). We spent around $10,000 (paid for myself) and had a beautiful wedding with 200 guests. The wedding party didn't have to spend much and were all local. We had a friend cater and a family member made the cake. The most expensive parts were the venue, videographer, and photographer. I don't think people should require the wedding party to spend over $300 to help them celebrate, that's just ridiculous. If the person throwing the wedding is loaded enough to spend $25,000, then at least throw in another $2000 to pay for the dresses/tuxes. SRSLY!!
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I want to know where they are getting this average number. I don't know ANYONE who has spent close to this (and I've been to over 10 weddings in the last few years). We spent around $10,000 (paid for myself) and had a beautiful wedding with 200 guests. The wedding party didn't have to spend much and were all local. We had a friend cater and a family member made the cake. The most expensive parts were the venue, videographer, and photographer. I don't think people should require the wedding party to spend over $300 to help them celebrate, that's just ridiculous. If the person throwing the wedding is loaded enough to spend $25,000, then at least throw in another $2000 to pay for the dresses/tuxes. SRSLY!!
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I so agree with this. Weddings have totally got out of hand in the past twenty years, I don't know what happened! What's wrong with just a simple ceremony under a willow tree and a pot luck afterwards? I know that when my parents got married in 1980 they rented all the bridesmaids dresses and there were no big bachelorette parties to Vegas or anything.
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I don't know how weddings got so outta control either. I think too many women focus way too much on the wedding without giving much thought to the marriage. It's disturbing.
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